Thinking about the Obstacle.
Angel has been diagnosed with stage four kidney disease, its a condition that has seen her put on "end-of-life care" until she finally passes away. We are doing everything possible to keep her happy, comfortable and purring - which is all we can do at this stage in terms of long-term plans. Kidney disease has no cure, but we are treating her dehydration with lactulose for her colon, Pronefral for her renal function, Cisapride to encourage natural bowel movements and subcutaneous fluid injections every night. Its hard work, its stressful for Angel in the short term but we are already seeing signs of our girl perking up with the new regime.
This might all sound irrelevant but I am going somewhere with it, stick with me. I have only given an animal subcutaneous fluids once in my life (before Angel) and it was a large Bulldog when I worked at a previous animal rescue - her name was Paris and she was a sweetheart. So when the vet asked "Can you do it?" I said yes, because she needed it done and I wasn't about to get weak when she needed me to be strong. But if I am being honest, as I drew the first syringe full and held her scruff ready for puncturing, I was shaking. I really struggled to work up the strength to "stab" my own little baby in the back of the shoulders with a needle, even knowing that it would be for her benefit.
That was the obstacle. My own emotions being volatile as I was given a task that needed to be done, no ifs and or kitty butts. Fast forward to now, six or seven sessions in and while I still fucking hate the sensation of stabbing her and holding her in place while pumping her full of solution - I feel calmer and she feels calmer for it. We are getting somewhere, it just made me appreciate that perhaps yes, things are going to be tough and shitty to handle in life, but breaking through a barrier or knocking over the obstacle is admittedly the way.
Writing.
Where are we at with this? Well, I haven't written a single line of Bulldog 3 for about two weeks. Admittedly I have been rather distracted with Angel, its hard to get into a creative headspace when you think your cat might pass-away at any given moment. But yes, progress has stalled again. This book just feels like a hurdle (or an obstacle) that I am constantly watching grow in size with every wordless day passing me by, but writers block isn't new to me and I am sure that once the ground feels less shaky with Angel and work - I will find the way forward.
I have however tidied up the website, you might have noticed a little glow-up. Now you can browse my books that will be eventually all free for public consumption via the "Books" tag in the homepage, or take a little saunter through some ill-advised poetry. Everything is slowly finding its rightful category.
All the other stuff.
I have been organising my finances like a real adult, it has been a positive active distraction from Angels condition while still being present at home for cuddles and meds. Bringing all my pensions together has been boringly nonsensical, why they make everything so complicated to just transfer over my own money is beyond my brain capacity. Long term planning for late adulthood isn't glamorous but if I want to continue having the life I choose - working in rescue, writing and vibing with my free time - I will need to manage my hoarded gold carefully.
I think that is probably everything. Angel is still fighting and while the obstacle is still present, we see it get smaller and smaller everyday. You can beat whatever ugly thing is standing in your way, just got to find the right leverage and the strength to get this behind you.
Anyway, I wont keep you any longer than I need to, until next time. Stay slathered in sunscreen and don't get too crispy, you lightly toasted soy beans.
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